This article documents our road trip with a van and a car from Manchester in England to Tallinn in Estonia. Although the Baltic States are now European Union and as of January 2008 are now part of the Schengen zone, they were part of the Soviet Union and as such this is an interesting tale for Ladagirl.com contributed by our sister site www.cars2russia.com; specialists in taking cars to the Former Soviet Union.
After our side of Europe, this little sojourn will be taking us through Poland, Lithuania, Latvia and the whole length of Estonia. (Going around Kaliningrad as you can’t go through there without a transit visa as its still part of Russia)
Last time I drove this route was before the Baltic's were EU and there were 4-6 hour waits at the borders, unless you qualified to join the VIP lane. It usually was a brown envelope of dollars that allowed one to join the VIP lane.
I recall the VIP lanes were busy with large Russian Registered car transporters carrying European registered cars most of which had window and/or lock damage, some even had the alarms singing.
I later read in the Baltic Times that this was the popular route for European stolen cars to back door it into Russia without documentation. I recall Putin’s comment about the growing problem at the time was "its not Russia's responsibility to play Policeman to Europe, it is Europe who should stop this trade whilst the vehicles are still in Europe - once they are in Russia they can have registration."
Last time some Bandits tried (and failed thankfully) to run us off the road in the Lithuanian forests. We encountered trouble at one of the borders as the border guard had never seen a Gibraltar registered right hand drive van and had us there some time whilst he did some "checks". The fine at the time for unspecified traffic and document contraventions was $16.
I gather since EU membership all this has cleaned up somewhat now, we shall see.
So heres the route.
I bought European breakdown insurance just in case, but the plan is if one vehicle breaks down, the other will tow it to civilisation to be fixed. Euros are ordered. (For the fuel bill across Europe)
The hotel plan en route is undecided; I didn't want to book one in case we went slow or fast on the way and either missed it or stopped 3 hours before we could have done. Last time I did this drive there were 3 of us in one van, we took the overnight ferry to Rotterdam (Holland) and shift drove all the way to Riga in Latvia where we got a hotel.
This time is different, we are leaving Thursday night about midnight to get to the Channel Tunnel (To France) for 5am ish, so we will be in France at 6-30/7am (30/45 Min's travel plus 1 hour time difference) - It is my hope to be just in Poland by nightfall leaving France, touching Belgium and Holland and passing through Germany via the Berlin Ring Road. After driving all night from Blighty, it makes sense to stop off in Germany or Poland depending on traffic for one good nights sleep in a hotel. If we need a second night in a hotel remains to be seen. Probably we will, that will be in Lithuania or Latvia.
It will be ideal to arrive in Estonia in the morning, as the flat we are going to is new and has no light fittings, the guy Sam, who is coming with me, and driving the car, is an electrician and will be fitting the Ikea lights we have in the van. We must also unload the beds and furniture in order to have somewhere to sleep that first night there. So taking it slow and sleeping two nights in hotels en route makes more sense, so we arrive refreshed. From last time, I think the last night should be in Latvia as Riga is 6 hours from Tallinn, that way we would arrive just after lunch and still in daylight to fit the new lights.
However, last time I did this drive, much of it was on concrete sectional roads through Polish villages, pre EU, I am told now the EU has funded some new roads (freeway - motorway) to bypass many villages so I don't know how fast it will be. Hence the confusion as to where to stop for the night.
So the situation now is on Friday morning when we arrive in France, it is all guesswork until arrival in Estonia. The camera will be with me so it is my plan to photograph anything noteworthy as we go. Maybe the first ones will be the Channel Tunnel as the Yanks reading this may never have seen the tunnel between England and France?
So for those who don't know, the channel tunnel between England and France is basically a drive on freight train, so after leaving after midnight, getting to Folkestone in the South of England around 5am, we got on the tunnel..............
And off 40 minutes later in France.............
And through the border of Belgium about an hour later...........
Then into the tip of Holland for a little while near Eindhoven, heading towards Germany. As we were trying to make fast time East, most of this was road and nothing of note across the West of Germany except the appalling traffic on the wonderfully efficient Autobahns and the German Police Officers, half of whom fall into jackbooted wannabe Nazi's (one of whom I met on the way back) and healthy specimens such as this chap busily directing traffic whilst looking the wrong way.
I thought his profile, not unlike Alfred Hitchcock rather amusing, so he was captured for posterity whilst holding me up as another Helmut's Mercedes was extricated from a ditch at the side of the road.
Driving in Germany is not as progressive as you may imagine; yes the Autobahns are fast as advertised, but only until some dozy Helmut spots a field he would like to get naked in, (as Germans do, usually sporting leather caps) and flips his Mercedes onto its roof. Everything is then clogged up for two hours while Police Officers with the enthusiasm of the guy above, hose and scrape whats left of him and his car off the road. After you get going you get the road works where everything bottlenecks down to one lane at a moments notice, as a consequence of this, often there is another Helmut in his silver Mercedes embedded in the central reservation upside down wondering what happened. So in practice, driving through Germany can be quite irritating and one needs to adopt the favoured habit of the locals and get out of the car in the traffic jams to chat to each other, smoke and discuss leather caps and general nakedness.
The women? In the West of Germany, forget it! Shall I say I can see why Germans are poking around Russia looking to procure some better genetics.
Next bit is past the old Berlin Wall area into the East of Germany and the dreaded Berlin Ring Road.
So we approach the Berlin ring road, an orbital road around Berlin as the name suggests. Last time I drove here it was awfully busy and often stationary; I hoped it wouldn't be, I was wrong; it was like a damn car park.
After 30 minutes sat in traffic and driving for 18 hours or so, the Mercedes car we had taken began to overheat (as the viscous coupling was not stiffening up as it should) - We ended up on the hard shoulder (breakdown lane) amongst the road kill whilst contemplating the situation amidst the clouds of steam. I suspected it had blown the head gasket or the head itself and the radiator was leaking also, it didn't look good.
At this point is when the Germans started leaning out of cars yelling, jeering, gesticulating and shouting. Seemingly two UK registered vehicles sat in the breakdown lane caused them great amusement.
I decided that the only way to cool the car down some rather than wait 2 hours was movement of air past the radiator at low speed, but the traffic was stationary. So we set off in the hard shoulder to the anger of the jeering Germans. Soon the car was cooling some at 20mph and we were moving much faster than the standing traffic and making progress, the Germans were hopping on behind us not wanting to be left out of getting ahead I guess. I thought if we saw a cop we could show him the temperature gauge and explain and it may be OK, this time there was no cops. However soon the car overheated again so we came off near Brandenburg and sought out a little hotel that had beds, a restaurant and a bar. The car could cool off overnight and we would think about it with new eyes the next day. It took us 18 hours from Manchester to Berlin, that was more than enough for one day. Next morning, the car was topped up with water and working fine! As long as we kept it out of standing traffic too long it would be OK I thought.
In the little hotel we found was a waitress who had no English and a limited grasp of my schoolboy German. The more I looked at her (as my copilot was drooling with his tongue on the floor) I thought she looked Russian. (The jewel encrusted talon nails, heels and cheekbones gave it away!) I tried her with "excuse me" and "meine frau" to get some service but to no avail. So I tried "Dyevooskha!" "Da" she replied. So my wine then arrived without difficulty!
It’s surprising where Smokinhotkova's turn up. Later it seemed everyone spoke Russian in the hotel. Quite common apparently in the East of Germany.
So, progressing across East Germany toward the Poland border reveals a lot of East Germany is not unlike Russia in appearance. New refurbishment of old buildings like this going on.
Directly opposite Soviet style scenes like this..............
and this......................
And there are even a few Trabants knocking around still...............
So progress was made, the car behaved OK until we got to the border control queue of Poland...........
At which point it started getting hot again in the queue, so to avoid a repeat of yesterday, I hooked it up with a tow chain to my van and towed it (engine off) down the queue and over passport control. It did confuse the border guards somewhat, who must have wondered if we towed it from England like that!
If you are driving to this border, get in the truck queue, or any queue that is faster moving, it looks like they go to different points but they converge side by side near the check point and you can nip in and save a long wait as long as you are not perturbed by a horn blast or two from a disgruntled Helmut who is no doubt itching to get into a field in his leather cap and get naked. If they get narky, just remind them who won the war!
So now into Poland. When you cross the border into Poland it is like flicking a switch, suddenly everyone abandons all the good driving behaviour imposed on them in Germany, takes a crazy pill, and adopts banger racing techniques. Driving in Poland is worthy of an article in itself.
At first glance, the Polish truly drive with a terrifyingly self destructive style, 2 lane roads with half lanes at each side are the norm, and you may imagine one lane (and a bit) each way sounds like a normal road, controlled by traffic lights, speed limits and polite decorum. You would be wrong.
Add to the Polish, passing French, Dutch, Germans, Lithuanians, Latvians, Estonians, Russians, Ukrainians and Belarusian’s, not to mention a couple of Brits, add them all together, throw in many articulated car transporters and 44 tonne trucks, tractors, horses and carts, Trabants and Fiat 500’s. Ignore speed limits; ignore which side of the road you should be on, manners, what side you should overtake on, rights of way etc. Oh and no traffic cops. But they do have a wooden painted cut out of a Police car by a tree on the main drag; that will be the Polish answer to policing the roads.
Mix all this lot together and adopt a sense of “see a gap and head for it” and the thing turns into a real life ‘Wacky Races’ crossed with the Gumball Rally. I have done this drive before and knew what to expect, but that being the case, you lurk as far right as you can, straddling the half lane in the shallows until you get your confidence and aggression up.
Now this part is difficult to photograph meaningfully on the move as you need 100% concentration. Take a road like this…………… (Yes I was on the wrong side of the road!)
Which of course is brand new funded by EU grants as the signs proclaim every few miles. Many are old and in poor (think Russian) condition though, but the idea is the same.
You dear reader may imagine you have overtaking sussed, dead simple isn’t it? Not in Poland! How about three or four cars overtaking each other at once, at 60-90mph, against oncoming traffic? I kid you not! I managed to get a snap of a mild treble overtake……..
I have also seen here a Russian registered articulated car transporter overtaking three cars like this, oblivious to the oncoming traffic who is forced into the grass to pass.
What happens next? Ahh yes, there are roadside vegetable and honey sellers, people just screech to a dead stop, hop out for a jar of honey and three potatoes oblivious what happens behind and around them. If you get the chance, stop and buy some stuff from these people, they seem very poor and look as if they need the cash, but more to the point, they take their life in their hands each day sitting by these roads. I am sure more than once a Lada or Gaz van has ploughed into one of them leaving them upside down in a field thinking "What happened? Where are my Potatoes?"
Minor things like the crest of hills and blind bends does not put them off, nor does darkness or thunderstorms, everyone just carries on. Last time I did this drive in the snow and it was just the same then.
However, daft as it may sound, this system is actually rather self regulating when you work out the rules. The bigger you are the greater priority you are afforded by other road users, those with big fast cars can feel free to use the acceleration to get out of trouble, if you are being overtook (even while you are overtaking yourself) just pull as far right as you can, as will the car next to you, if he wants to go, let him! Small crappy Fiats, Trabants and Ladas know their place and chug along hugging the grass while the trucks thunder by in the middle of the road and Audi A8’s wail by the trucks on the opposite side of the road altogether.
Despite this behaviour, there is almost no horn sounding, everyone seems to have worked out the rules and abides by them. When you approach a hill or a blind bend, keep tight right as a truck may well sail over it on the wrong side of the road flat out, but just expect it and accept it and you soon get the knack of it. When you see three or four sets of headlights approaching side by side, just keep right, slow down if necessary to let them by, you will be afforded the same courtesy when you misjudge the oncoming traffic. If you misjudge an overtake and have to drop back and abandon it, the guy behind will drop back and let you in, lest you be pate. Do the same for someone else.
Tip for anyone driving through Poland, when you see the EU funded toll road signs, take it and pay! It bypasses many miles and villages and increases your chances of getting across in one piece. It is a new wide quiet road in superb condition, it starts near Poznan and currently finishes somewhere near Warsaw. There are many exits and if you do the whole length of it you will pay 3 times. They take Zloty and Euros and cards.
Of course there are casualties, I saw several cars in ditches, one upside down and one on fire, but conversely I travelled a similar distance across Poland as I did across Germany and I saw many more accidents in Germany. Work that one out. I guess the roadside hookers can be a bit of a distraction too, there is a pic of those soon together with a little about the smokinhotpolski women!
So Poland then! I have covered the driving technique, so now about the place.
As you cross the border noticing you have immediately gone one step further East than East Germany, you begin to see the disparities of a tiger economy such as Poland, shriveled little old men selling pots of honey by the roadside and brand new Audi A8's wailing by is a simplistic example. There is a lot of new money and prosperity in Poland also, and more than a sprinkling of Russian money from what I can see.
The idea is to gasp over the border on petrol fumes from expensive Germany and fill up at the first petrol station you see at cheaper money. I found one sign posted off the road; I drove onto the forecourt to find a little place with a bar attached and a little shop and attendant service. Whilst poking around this place I then noticed the first of many smokinhotpolskis strutting around, often with men, that’s not the point, we are talking Russian standard smokinhotpolskis! Then I watched a Polish registered people carrier with dark windows pull up for fuel, the side door opened, out popped another 6 smokinhotpolskis! The petrol station forecourt looked like a modeling contest!
So going back on to the road, past roadside shops selling awful wooden windmills and large plastic garden gnomes and other cheap garden tat, one then encounters walking by the roadside, many young ladies eager to refresh the weary passing motorist in exchange for currency. My co-pilot in the other vehicle decided he would ask them to pose for a photograph, the blonde turned her back, the other one decided to demonstrate her uninviting wares.
He was getting giddy the lad; he was just entering Eastern Europe for the first time
So continuing, we observed that many folk live in dacha style shacks and grow their own vegetables at the front, a very natural lifestyle if you like that kind of thing...........
And the usual Soviet style flats are in every town..............
And many elaborate catholic memorial things in obscure fields. Maybe someone could tell me what that is all about? Blessing crops perhaps?
Also many nice churches...............
People with larger houses with a sense of humour when it comes to garden art, obviously a reflection of the driving experience in Poland..............
And more roadside sellers, some of whom are happy to pose for strange passing foreigners...........
Passing through Warsaw....................
After the long toll road as mentioned prior, it was time to stop for the second night, quite by chance, we found a fantastic hotel called Kamiza that is very cheap, very smokinhot staff, some of whom speak Russian and English. My co-pilot befriended one called Sylvia, another smokinhotpolski. I can highly recommend this hotel if anyone is passing. The link to their site can be found here and it looks like this.............
........... and is on the main drag in Brańszczyk, which is before Białystok on this route. I like Poland very much, I have been several times. I shall be going again. Poland is very cheap now, but within 2 or 3 years it will have caught up to Germany pretty much in many ways, now is the time to go, and maybe even invest also I think
An interesting side note whilst everyone is running to Ukraine and Russia; consider Poland! - There are many smokinhot women, Poles by nature are not adverse to relocation, and history has shown that. There are many Slavic (or Slavic looking) women there, many speak English, many speak Russian, in fact there seem to be many RW there also, exactly why I am not sure, I am unfamiliar with the movement of people over the years in this part of the world or the genetic makeup of Poles, but from what I have seen, it is definitely worth a look.
Another note is most of the petrol stations have bars attached, this may account for the driving technique, I guess everyone is drunk.
But moving on..............
By lunchtime we had reached the border area where Poland meets Lithuania. Kaliningrad is over to the left, Belarus is over to the right, they even helpfully show country codes on the road signs in this region........
And then it’s up to the border with Lithuania, the entry point on this journey into the Former Soviet Union.........
No problems there, quite fast, next into Lithuania & Latvia...........................
Lithuania & Latvia I shall cover together, we were through both of them within the day and our route bypassed by many miles the capital of Lithuania, Vilnius, where the action is there, and although Latvia's capital Riga is on the route, and the town had to be driven through last time I drove through, the new EU funded superhighway takes you around the outside of it and allows you to bypass it.
Lithuania and Latvia, are sparsely populated, much of the landscape is forest on the Baltic Sea coast side we traveled on, and of the FSU Baltic states that are Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, Lithuania is the poor cousin, out of the limelight so to speak, still very poor and still very corrupt as you will read. Remember we are now on the outer fringes of what was the Soviet Union and in order that the European traveller can pass through the endemic corruption to be found in this part of the world, the new EU pass through roads were a cheaper way to tackle this than tackle the source of said corruption.
I promised myself a detour this time over to Vilnius as I wanted to check out some investment opportunities but I decided to stay on the straight north route to Estonia expecting to stay the next night in Latvia (based on past experience) as I wanted to be in Tallinn in time for my wife's arrival from Russia (As she had been to visit her Parents by plane and had the luxury of a further plane back to England at the end of our Estonian visit.)
So as I said at the beginning, in the past, Lithuania was bandit country where you could, especially at night, be hauled over by another vehicle at gunpoint in the forest and be left at the side of the road in your underwear sans vehicles and belongings, this time I saw no evidence of that (although I didn't drive at night there by planning)
So, what’s Lithuania & Latvia like? Well most of it on the western side north heading Baltic coast road is like this......................
And this.................
My co-pilot and I did however notice that the women in the towns were getting progressively slimmer and nicer..............
However, these photos are a bad representation as we are not accustomed to taking pictures of young ladies ad hoc whilst driving! These were by no means the more smokin' examples, but trust me, from halfway across Poland the women get progressively slimmer, more smokin' and more Russian looking!
And a curious point was that we saw many women pushing prams and trolleys with very young children in and most of them had regained what we imagine to be the pre baby shape soon after junior has arrived in the world..................
I only mention this as it is a consideration factor for wife hunters in this part of the world wondering about differing genetics and post baby fat retention. Very slim women with very young babies is what we saw here, and enough of them to make it noteworthy! Food for thought gentlemen!
However, moving through Lithuania towards the border with Latvia, I saw a scene like this (too late)
(This photo was took on the way back for demonstration purposes) - Yes indeed, the friendly neighbourhood traffic cop hiding behind his car with a speed gun. The limit on these empty roads (that incidentally have no signs to tell you) is 90kph, we were apparently doing 140kph. So out jumped Officer Dibbleski with his little round lollipop baton and waved me down.
Being the smart arse I am, I assumed he would see English registration plates (very rare indeed in this part of the world as are right hand drive vehicles), probably have no English, I would proclaim no other language and the frustration would make him wave me on. He rattled on in Lithuanian for a moment, I grinned and said "English" pointing to the registration plates, he said "ah English? No problem! I clocked you at 140, the limit is 90, I will make you a ticket."
He then proceeded to check my Passport and vehicle documents and went into a long convoluted story about how he 'makes a ticket' and the price is 150 Euros, and how I must stay in Lithuania and the next day drive to Vilnius and go to a bank and then City Hall to pay and yada yada yada....... My attempts to explain that we were about 20 km from the Latvian border and we were heading for Estonia and would not be in the country the next day seemed to cut no ice..........
Then he said "of course, there is always the friendly way to deal with this". Then I understood. I asked "how much should the fine be again?" he replied "150 Euros" smiling. After a quick conversation with my co-pilot in fast slang Manchester English, I said "so 50 Euros now would cover it, no paperwork, and we can all get on with our day?" The way his face lit up, I immediately knew this was way too much, "Oh yes, that will be OK" he proclaimed. 50 Euros was exchanged and we went on our way to the border of Latvia.
Oh, and then we met a cow in the middle of the road, as you would expect anywhere really.................
(Excuse the crack in the windscreen!)
Latvia again was a very quiet border, as with the last one, they take your vehicle documents without the faintest clue what is what, they don’t speak English, they just look intently at them in a well practiced stern way whilst flicking through them, and hand them back to you and say "OK" - really you could pass them a menu from your local restaurant you get in your mailbox and they would be none the wiser.
So into Latvia. We made good time through most of Latvia until...................................................yes you guessed it! About 20km before the border of Estonia out from behind a car hiding behind a tree jumps another traffic cop waving his little baton!
Momentarily I started braking again, then I considered the prospect of another 50 Euros and thought "fu*k it!" and the pedal hit the metal again, I ignored him completely and sailed by him staring straight ahead. My thinking was..........
a) He would see foreign registration plates as I passed and forget it.
b) His car didn't look fast; I was near the border.
c) Maybe he didn't speak English.
d) My co-pilot, in the other car a little behind me could stall him a bit if he comes after me.
e) I had a head start at 90mph, he was out of his car with his speed gun, his partner looked asleep in the passenger seat; do the maths.
f) What’s the worst that could happen?
As with many great plans, it didn't quite work! I floored my van but it being 10 years old and full of 2 tons of furniture and crap, 95mph was its top speed, I adopted the afore mentioned Polish driving techniques to get ahead and put distance and other cars between me and him, 5 minutes later, with Officer Dibbleski not in my mirror and becoming a memory I was beginning to feel pleased.
My erstwhile co-pilot in the car had dropped back some as I passed the cop, he was treated to the view of what he described as "the cop doing his best 'Roscoe P Coltrane' impersonation, clutching his hat, springing across his car to engage in hot pursuit."
After what seemed an age, and very close to the Estonian border, Roscoe P Coltrane and his cohort caught me up and appeared in my side mirrors, blue lights blazing and headlights flashing................ so I ignored him and continued.
So he came alongside me, a little in front, hung bodily out of his window, waving his red lollipop baton. I guess I had to stop then, I couldn't pretend not to notice that! So I did.
He pulled up, scrambled from his car and approached the van breathless and obviously full of adrenalin after his 'hot pursuit', after establishing we were using English, he said "You saw me trying to stop you, why did you not stop?" I replied that I thought he was signaling another car and not me, I played daft tourist unaccustomed to such things. He had no choice other than to accept my explanation. So he went into the same crap as the Lithuanian cop about making tickets and me going to City Hall and a bank in Riga tomorrow yada yada.....
At which point my co-pilot had caught up and pulled up with us, another 6 foot plus Brit standing by his car grinning seemed to unnerve them a bit. I gather Latvia is a bit cleaner than Lithuania as regards corruption, these two cops were uncertain how to handle this I would say, they broke into a fast mumbled conversation between themselves in Russian about how to handle it. He asked me if I spoke Russian, I said no. He started looking at my passport again; he then asked me "have you ever been stopped by the Police in Latvia before?" I said no. He started thumbing through the pages of my passport, then he found an old Russian Visa in there, his eyes popped out on stalks, this prompted an urgent sounding conversation between him and his partner with much pointing at the Russian Visa, he turned the page to find another Russian Visa! He then checked my insurance document again and noticed my wife’s Russian maiden surname on it and brought that to his partners’ attention also. The basic gist of the conversation I grasped was "This guy has been to Russia, there is a Russian name on his Insurance, he has driven up through these countries; he must know how these things work."
At this point I thought I would throw him a line, I said "although I have had no experience with the Police in Latvia, I have in Lithuania," my co-pilot chimed in "back there they prefer the friendly way", they both smiled and laughed and said "ah, the friendly way", "shall we say 20 Euros?" said my co-pilot, cool as custard, proffering a 20 Euro note through his open window, "drop it in the door pocket" said the cop indicating to said door pocket whilst looking away, as if not actually accepting the note with his hand somehow made him less corrupt, at which point I got my documents back and was told I could go.
My parting shot was "Spaciba Balshoy, Dosvidanya", I wish I had a picture of his crimson shocked face wondering how much of their conversation I understood. The answer would be very little, but he will never know.
I actually think bribery is a better method than paperwork and courts and driving licence endorsements, if only there were a faster and more certain way to do it - there is, one of my Russian pals in Estonia told me how you do it, it was so obvious after he told me, how many times have I seen it on TV? All you do it seems is when you give your documents, make sure there is a 20 Euro note in your Passport or licence, your documents get returned sans Euros, with a verbal warning, and off you go. That is how it is done in Russia.
The trick is to gauge the right amount of money in the various countries, and not to do it in the wrong one where you may get locked up for bribing a cop.
So, Estonian border control, they salute you there, how quaint, quick document check, "what’s in the van?" they ask, and cant be bothered to look, the temptation to reply "3kg of Cocaine and 15 Ukrainian hookers" is hard to resist, but resist I did and we were into Estonia.
Into Estonia; by now it was the early evening of the fourth day and I was wondering if it was worthwhile to stop for the night as we were already in country. Then I saw a sign telling me how many kms Tallinn was, a quick mental calculation suggested maybe 4 hours away, so we stopped at a restaurant for an evening meal, and then continued up north towards Tallinn.
We arrived about midnight, to a flat with no lights nor furniture installed, so my co-pilot got his tools and his miners’ style head lamp on and proceeded to fit a few lights, we then unloaded the beds so we could sleep, and the rest of the furniture the next morning. A celebratory drink followed.
So you know you have arrived in the Former Soviet Union (FSU) when you see one of these onion dome churches..........
And have a look around the old town and see many of these………
As stated earlier, taking ad hoc pics of women is not really my thing, my co-pilot is a little better at it, that’s the best one he got! He was sufficiently impressed by the local women to be making plans to return here though, perhaps under the guise of work.
Whilst sitting in a pavement cafe with my co-pilot and another jovial cove of my acquaintance, we did see a particularly fetching young lady wearing a garment that, if there were more of it, could have been a dress. Nothing unusual in that here except this lady's garment was made from a USA flag! Unfortunately we were not fast enough with the camera to catch her for you yank readers.
So what’s Tallinn like? Well the old town looks like this.............
And the women like this...................
I dislike coming back with an empty van in these circumstances, so I have to find some kind of crap to bring home and sell, this time it was one of these.........
One of these...............
And I kid you not, 15 of these......................
Oh and 3 of these...................
And a stack of these....................
Mostly procured from here and now redistributed via e-bay. But, if there are any Lenin supporting, accordion playing readers here with a fondness for wild boar skin and Soviet propaganda, do get in touch with us via cars2russia.com We can bring any kind of Russian or Soviet stuff back to order.
A week later we were set for the return journey, leaving the car in Estonia with two of us in the van going home. The return journey is always an anti climax on journeys such as this as you have done what you went to do, got where you wanted to go, and going home offers little in the way of perceived reward.
So we left early on the Sunday morning, cleared Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania nice and fast as there was no traffic or cops this time, and into Poland again, where we were reminded of how backward these countries can be sometimes.
First night on the route back home was somewhere near Konin, on the Warsaw to Poznan road in Poland. We found a scratty (but cheap looking) big family guest house, complete with wizened old leatherback local stood on the front step enjoying a cigarette whilst eyeing us suspiciously. We went inside into a gloomy Addams Family kind of abode lacking in light bulbs. Being as it was late, I didn't bother to investigate the rooms before committing myself to two of them at cheap money, having established that they had two free, (whole place was empty I think) and they had food and a bar, that was good enough!
The rooms it turned out were quite grim, the bathrooms lacked hot water and the beds were like a 2" 'mattress' on a door! Maybe like you would find in a prison or something. It takes 2 bottles of wine to make one feel comfortable anyway!
So upon my arrival, I thought the prospect of an English speaker was doubtful, I asked Leatherback at the door, he grunted and pointed me towards reception. At reception was a Babushka and a girl who looked about 17/18 both grinning foolishly, I think we were the first guests they had had since 1983.
Upon asking if anyone spoke English, the Babushka indicated the girl who she then elbowed, who looked at the floor and went all shy. The girl declined to utter a word despite prompting, so Babushka then revealed her excellent English!
So after freshening up in cold water we proceeded to the restaurant/bar to get sustenance. At this point the Babushka explained that her Granddaughter spoke excellent English but was a bit shy and needed practice, so my co-pilot suggested her best practice was with native English speakers and attempted, unsuccessfully to get her into conversation. I was talking to Babushka who then started coming out with phrases like "Oh yes, it is great for her to talk with English men, it will help her language a lot" followed by "really we would like her to go abroad, maybe to study, maybe as a tourist", she then moved on to "maybe she will marry a foreign man, what do you think?" whilst winking. I showed her my wedding ring and indicated that my co-pilot was single, and was teasing him about it. Babushka then felt the need to go one step further with her hard sell and suggested that England would be a wonderful location for her Granddaughter to relocate to, I was teasing my pal like "she's planning your wedding already mate" and Babushka kept vanishing leaving her almost mute, very very shy Granddaughter topping up my pals beer glass as fast as he empties them (which is very often).
When Babushka returned, she started her not so subtle 'nudge nudge wink wink' comments again about my pal (who is early 30's) and her Granddaughter, I commented that he was unlikely to be able to engage her in much conversation as she appeared so shy, Babushka replied "well she will get up her confidence talking to people more, I keep telling her to get friendly with him but she wont" followed by "of course, if she did go to England, she would go alone, without her parents" she then added "but I suppose she is so shy because she is only 13!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Upon hearing this, my co-pilot and I were amazed that a Grandmother would be encouraging her 13 year old Granddaughter to get chatty with foreign strangers, and beyond that, discussing marrying her off, going to their country without parents and other things, that to us, would have been over the mark even if the girl had have been as old as she looked and not as young as she was. My pal was most relieved he had never taken Babushkas suggestions as more than a joke!
We left the next morning feeling quite glad we were leaving the creepy old guest house, full of that odd family, all peeping round doorways in their darkened rooms. We had learned something else about rural Poland and how stuck in the dark ages a lot of it still is. So much for the modern EU. The open road had never looked so inviting.
So onward into Germany. We are drawing to the conclusion of my little tale. Upon reaching the Berlin Ring Road again, and feeling bullet proof after Polish driving, we hit the usual miles and miles of standing traffic, so we took to the hard shoulder again (breakdown lane) to get ahead, as we had done before.
After doing this a few times and bypassing many naked Helmuts wistfully eyeing up the surrounding fields, I guess I got over confident at it, sure enough, near Hanover, a plain grey BMW hopped on behind me, and when he got close enough, on came the disguised blue lights!
I drifted back onto the carriageway hoping he just wanted to pass, but he drew alongside and started waving his red lollipop which said "STOP/HALT" on it, but then he pulled in front of us and continued driving without stopping. I assumed that was just a warning and changed lanes to distance myself from him, but he followed me, rolled down his window and started yelling in German. I suggested he use English, he shouted "follow us" and pointed at his lollipop, "that says stop, not follow me" I said. He didn’t look amused.
So I followed him, he lead us off the motorway and into a roadside Police area, got out and started rambling about using the breakdown lane. I replied it was OK in some countries and I was just copying the locals and guessed it was OK here too, being English I am not 100% sure of Germany's rules yada yada
The guy was a jack booted, shaven headed proper little wannabe Nazi, he had a sidekick who was older, much more relaxed and if he had been alone, the friendly way may have been considered, however our little Hitler who was doing all the talking would be having none of that. So if you are driving near Hanover, look out for this. (for the benefit of Google; BN CR 892 is a covert German Police car)
So to cut a long story short, I got this..............
And 77 Euros and 8 cents later, (about $100) we continued.
When night came, we were again hotel seeking. So we chose an exit and came off looking for a hotel. I think it was Dortmund. 30 minutes later after much snooping about; no hotels. So I stopped and asked a very pleasant young Fraulein. She directed us into a forest, and eventually, more by luck than judgement, we found this hotel in the middle of nowhere in the woods which must be empty as no sod could have found it. Of course, upon entering, it was rammed to the rafters with drunken Germans shouting, drinking and eating the biggest plates of food I had ever seen, we are talking big stainless steel serving platters each maybe 20" x 8" piled high! (Would have fed a Russian Girl for a fortnight.)
I enquired as to rooms, the woman said "English? - no rooms!" her 50 odd year old greasy pony tailed husband popped up, surprisingly with the benefit of clothes (being a German in the woods) rattled something stern off to her which was probably "remember the war, lets have their cash" and she promptly found two rooms.
This time there was hot water and half decent beds. Food was agreeable, the white wine, overpriced and German of course was warm, and the restaurant was a fly breeding ground and even the flies dive bombed us Brits. I asked her for a fly spray it got so bad, but she claimed not to have one. So next morning after another thoroughly forgettable hotel, we hit the road again hoping to get our arses out of Germany as fast as possible.
That is simpler than it sounds when you are in Germany near the border with Holland, you get signs to German border towns, but no helpful ones that say "Holland" or "Belgium", every sign seems to want to take you back into Germany, so we spent about 2 hours cruising around Düsseldorf, Essen and Duisburg. The only way out is to get on the motorway and find a Dutch registered car and follow it assuming he is going home.
Once over the border into more logical Holland, one finds signs to everywhere as one would expect, so quick progress was made through Belgium and back to France to the discount wine warehouses and supermarkets at Calais (much cheaper than England)
With the Channel Tunnel, you get the customs for France and England in France when you are going back to England, allowing one to exit the train straight onto the motorway network. So the French customs, the first customs on the entire trip that actually opened the van, had some fun opening various accordion boxes wondering about the strange Englishmen. They were so bemused by the accordions they missed all the Estonian cigarettes you are not allowed to import into England!
English customs are situated about 50 yards away, they also pulled us in. You just know when they say "what’s in the van and where have you come from?" when you say "er......... accordions, a bit of Soviet memorabilia and general crap I found across Eastern Europe and the FSU, oh and by the way we nipped through Holland" you would be in the shed for some 'bend over Bernie' and a good coat of looking at, so fellow reader and traveller, if travelling this route, the answer to "where have you come from?" is "France" (not untrue), if asked "where else have you been?" the answer is "Germany", (also not untrue) - despite this they said "open the van", so we did, I jokily commented that what else did they expect to find that the frogs had missed, as they just saw them crawling all over the van, to which he agreed and closed the van and we were in the tunnel.
South to North of England being half flooded at this time, took some thinking about to avoid the traffic, but we did and got back at 10pm ish to a plate of my beautiful Russian wife’s superb goulash!
Contrary to what I wrote at the start, we did a shade under 2000 miles each way. Now I have done this drive several times now, but with EU roads improving and being used to the suicide Polski driving by now, it is becoming easier. The more cars we take up to Estonia, Russia, Ukraine and Belarus will make future trips much smoother.
I hope you enjoyed the tale of our exploits and the scenes brought exclusively to you by www.cars2russia.com.
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